So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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