We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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