I wish I could teleport
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
