Old men and throwing up are my life now.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
