You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
