you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
