Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
