I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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