I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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