Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Can you bring me the toilet please
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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