You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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