she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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