got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Thank you for not boning my boss.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Pants are for mortals
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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