Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
