Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
