You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
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