i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
