Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
