i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
