I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
