There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize