It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
