dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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