Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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