my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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