so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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