She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
