The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
