one two three fourrrrnication!
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
