i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
