Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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