There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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