Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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