can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
