who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize