I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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