do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
