i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
