Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
