in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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