I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
