i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
