Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
