dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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