question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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