sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
