You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
