You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
