the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
