I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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