you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
