she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
