you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
