i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
