please come you make the beer taste better
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Randomize
