hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
